Thursday, September 26, 2013

When a Piece of Your Heart is in Heaven

"I feel like I've lost someone," my daughter shared one evening.  My initial thought was that this sense of loss was related to her starting a new school and she could be missing some of her former classmates. 
"No mom, it feels like it's someone from my family, but I don't know who it is." 
A comforting hug was all that I could offer at that time.  But then two days later, during the early morning hours, her words replayed in my consciousness.  I wondered if she might be sensing a different ending.  

I recalled when she was two and a half years old, she was busily drawing circles and placing dots inside of them. 

"What are you making?" I asked.
"I'm making cookies with Jade," she said without looking up. 
I was almost certain that I could not have heard her correctly.  This was about three months after Jade's burial.  I wasn't sure how much she understood given her age.  So it was surprising to hear her use her sister's name. 
"I'm making cookies with Jade," she repeated. 
"You're making cookies with Jade," I said, placing emphasis on "with"  because I was also stunned that she said "with Jade" as opposed to "for" Jade.
She clearly stated again, "Yes momma, I'm making cookies with Jade."

Somehow her sister had remained connected with her and this exchange opened me up to sharing in this connection.
And now, her words, combined with certain dreams I've been having, caused me to wonder whether she could be sensing something else.  After two unsuccessful attempts with gestational surrogacy, my husband and I made the decision to close that chapter of our lives, which meant that a final frozen embryo would have to be "discarded." 

While I didn't expect to feel deeply connected to this cluster of tiny cells, I sensed the need to say goodbye in a way that is more honoring of this embryonic life.   Episodes of sleeplessness clued me in to this.  I just didn't know how I would do this. 

Then yesterday, it felt right to light a candle, close my eyes and open my heart to set this encapsulated energy free. 
You are more than a thought...more than an unrealized dream. 
You are more than a cluster of cells.
You are a spark of creation...a tender piece of my heart.
As you return to Spirit,
I will rest in the peaceful knowing that energy can never be destroyed.
 I didn't hold you in my arms, but I will always hold you in my heart.
When a piece of your heart has left this physical world, it's painful to think of all that you have lost.  But it's important to know that where there is love, there will always be love.  And because of that love, our loved ones will always be at home in our heart spaces...that part of heaven that exists within each one of us.
Blessings to you,
Kathleen O'Malley


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