Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Way of the Heart

Change is the nature and rhythm of life.  It is the language of healing and growth.  It can be a slow, quiet transformation or it can come rather swiftly without a hint of warning.  Life can take one drastic turn in a single breath.  In that moment, it is hard to see the hidden blessings.  That is because you are not meant to.  It’s not like you can push a fast forward button and be transposed to a time beyond this moment.  You can’t peek around the corner and see five years into the future. 

Even if you could, you would still have to deal with getting there.  Each step along the way has to be taken; every emotion, every moment of doubt, every confusing thought has to be worked through. 

That’s how it was for me when I delivered an extremely premature baby girl.  The day before had been an ordinary one.  The day after, it was a different kind of normal. 

“It looks like we’re going to lose the battle with this one.  I’m sorry,” the doctor had said. 

A battle, I wondered.  This was news to me.  I hadn’t waged a battle of any kind.  It had been a much different pregnancy, but I had taken the “everything will be okay” approach.  I never dreamed that this would be how it would end.  This was the tenth day of June in 2006. 

Jade Morgan is the name we gave our baby girl.  I held her close as her dad leaned in and kissed her tiny face.  I can still see this picture when I close my eyes and think back to this moment.  It is the clearest memory I now hold of that time.  For a brief moment she was here and I got to hold her close. 

Not every woman has this chance.  Through those eyes, I am the lucky one to put a face with the given name.  One hour and forty minutes later, her heartbeat faded from this world and yet she left behind a deep imprint in my heart. 

For a time, I couldn’t imagine what tomorrow would look like.  So, I had to learn to live in this day.  And now that much heaviness has lifted, I can see more clearly.  Not only does the sunlight seem brighter, but it also feels just a little bit warmer.  I now feel more deeply.  Soft whispers echo louder and silence is more inviting.  I now listen more closely. 

The world still feels forever changed.  I used to think that it was all unfair.  I now realize that everything is exactly how it was meant to be.    

Whatever you are faced with today, trust that your heart will show you the way. 

Just as the gentle movement of leaves on a grand oak suggests the presence of a breeze, the nature of life suggests that we are guided by something far greater than any of us.  We can't see it and yet we know it is there.

Love and Blessings,

Kathleen O'Malley, DC


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