Tuesday, October 11, 2011

What Do You Mean I'm Not Perfect?

Just yesterday, I heard the question, "What scares you, yet you do it anyway?"  The first thing that popped into my head was this blog.  For over 25 years I have journaled about my thoughts as I sorted through many of my emotions.  I never imagined sharing what I wrote.  I am reminded by the words of an aunt whom I love dearly.  She once said, "you really shouldn't write down anything you don't ever want anyone else to see."  And here I am, sharing my innermost thoughts in a public forum. 

My deepest intention is to help others see the importance of living from their deepest and truest self.  That means sorting through the layers of social conditioning to determine who you really are and what is most essential in you.  It means understanding why you react a certain way.  My ego recognizes that not everything I write will be met with soaring approval.  But, my BEING says to do it anyway. 

Well over a year ago, I was reminding my husband how important it was not to skip breakfast...clearly something he already knew and to which he responded, "we all can't be as perfect as you are."  His intent was to tease as he so often does and most days I can appreciate his sense of humor.  But, when you are in a place of no matter what I do, things don't add up the way they should...it is a struggle not to take even the most trivial comment to heart.    I had just been told that pregnancy was "a clear contraindication" for me.  I was having difficulty accepting that such a beautiful, natural process could be inadvisable for someone who is otherwise healthy and has taken exceptional care of her body, mind and spirit.

Past events or current circumstances can leave "wounded zones" within each of us.  These zones can then fuel insecurities that influence our reactions to what others say no matter their intention.  From the outside, our reactions seem exaggerated and disproportionate.  But, it is important to look at these reactions to identify their source, whether it is rooted in the past or due to a recent challenge or even your own expectations.  Whether you withdraw or have an outburst of anger, you react because you are hurt or because a certain expectation was not met.   It is not helpful to place blame on the other person.  It is to admit to yourself that you are hurting and then learn how to free yourself from that pain.

I admit that I still have my share of idealism.  I like a certain amount of order and have an appreciation for aesthetics.  I continue to do my very best to make good decisions and I trust that everything is as it should be.   I no longer strive for perfection if it means being anything other than who I truly am.  It seems that when we have that expectation to be perfect,  either we have to be inferior or superior to someone else.  Neither of those places appeal to me. We all make mistakes and often struggle through problems.  We cannot be human without being vulnerable.  And, if we all knew everything, there would be nothing left to learn. 

Discover the beauty in being yourself and strive to accept others just as they are.

Love to everyone,

Kathleen O'Malley, DC


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