It seems that every time I use the word, N-E-V-E-R, the Universe gives me an opportunity to prove myself capable of so much more than I could ever have imagined. I have become extremely cautious about using this word that I automatically correct myself whenever it slips out even in the silliest of circumstances. Just yesterday, my daughter oddly says to me, "Mommy, I will always love you and you will always be in my heart even if you're in jail." I looked at her questioningly and started to say the "n" word, but quickly said, "I have no plans of ever being in jail."
This strange conversation prompted thoughts of early transgressions. I recalled a time when I was about eleven and my mom sent me to the corner store, Smith's Grocery, to buy some bread for the next morning. My brother who is five years younger went along with me. While at the store, I opened a bag of some sort of sweet, cinammon bread and tried a piece and then attempted to put it back on the shelf. The owner saw me and made me pay for it. So, this was the bread that I had to take home. How was I going to explain this to my mother? I ended up telling her that my brother was the one who was caught taking a piece of the bread. I felt so guilty afterwards and it was weeks before I could let it go. It would have been a whole lot easier to tell her the truth, which I never did until just tonight. My mom could not remember the incident, but we shared a laugh over it. My next phone call was to my brother, but he did not answer.
Looking back, I am grateful that I was caught. This incident taught me that darkness always comes to light and as Don Miguel Ruiz says in his book, The Four Agreements, to be impeccable with your word. I do my very best to speak kindly and live the truth. I also recognize the importance of self-forgiveness. We often hold on to the guilt and shame from our past actions much longer than is necessary.
Learn to forgive your earlier self. Make things right if you can. If you can't, then resolve to do better. And, be cautious about using the "n" word. Often we set limitations for ourselves without considering our true potential. There is more than one door to life and multiple paths to happiness. The path you never thought to consider, may actually be the best one.
Love to everyone,
Kathleen O'Malley, DC